Sunday, June 15, 2014


I can't believe I am writing this.

This morning you messaged me, and you told me something that broke my heart and broke my mind. I spent my entire workday fighting the image of it, but fighting is the wrong word, because "fight" indicates that there was part of me that was pushing it away. That was not the case. In fact, it was all I could do to concentrate on work.

I think you and I are close enough, and love one another enough at this point to be open and honest outside of just sexuality. I'm someone, that, as you are probably aware, has struggled for years with DD/lg being a part of my psyche, and there not being anyone I can talk about it with, or experience it with. Eight initial years is a long time to know something is in you, but not be able to label it. Ten more years is a long time to have it labeled, but not knowing what to do with it. Two more years is a long time to know that there is something you can do with it, (because there are others just like you) but not have any way to act on it, because finding people near you who are like you is impossible, and if you do find them, they are taken, usually in the same way you are.

With that being said, I want you to know that I understand I can't just say "Let's play." because that isn't how life works. Even if it was, while you know how half of my brain feels about you, you've never indicated that part of yours even remotely reciprocates it. All you've let me know is that our mental hard-wiring is similar, that you enjoy my writing, and that you don't mind my being "Daddy" when you need me to be that. Now, to have someone enjoy your writing is a beautiful thing. Anyone who scoffs at that as something that isn't worth very much needs to talk with someone who wants to be a writer, but isn't very good at it. To be allowed to fill the role as Daddy when it's needed is a wonderful thing. I just hope that one day I can actually do that for you, even if it's only on a mental and emotional level.

You're so lucky. You have someone in your life who gets who you are, that wants you sexually and emotionally at that level, is within physical reach every night, and they are wanted in return in both ways by you. I envy him. I envy him in ways both sexually and emotionally. Because in you, he has both. He has a precious, perfect, beautiful little girl who would do anything he asked in nearly infinite capacities.

He could say:

"When I get home this evening, I expect the lights to be dimmed, the house to be in order, and for you to be kneeling on your pillow in the living room floor, wearing your corset, waiting for me. "


"This morning, when you leave for work, you will wear no panties. (You may bring a pair with you in your purse as an emergency.) You will go your entire day without them, and whenever you have to speak to someone for any reason, you will tense your kegels, hard, and think about me."


"The moment you wake up today, you are to run a very hot bath, complete with bubbles. You will lie back in the tub, sit the phone by your head, call me, and let me know you are ready for me. I will stop whatever I am doing, and instruct you on how you are two touch yourself."


And you would probably do those things for him. I am not saying he doesn't already do them for you, and if he does, I don't want to hear about it, because that only makes me even more crazy.

As I'm going back and reading over this now, it seems so directionless, useless, pointless, and helpless. Like a kid in a wheelchair wanting to be a professional basketball player. Yeah, he may want it more than anything else, and he may have the drive to fully attain it mentally, but logistically, it's not going to happen.

So what can that kid do? Well, he can try out for the wheelchair basketball team, or if he doesn't want to do that, he can always coach basketball, or he can write stories about it, or he can sit around and mope because he won't ever be able to play in the capacity he wants.

That kid might have been fortunate enough to not live anywhere where basketball is played, so he wouldn't know what basketball is. Or maybe he did live somewhere where it is played, but nowhere near any stadiums, so it's not like he can know what he is missing. Or maybe he does live near a stadium, but he doesn't know anyone who plays, so he can't have any real reference for what it feels like, and so he won't know how good it would feel.

But now imagine that same kid. He lives in a city with a basketball stadium and he goes all the time. He loves being there just because he loves it, but also because it's the closest thing he can have to being a player. He has a friend who plays, and his friend has another friend that plays just like he does, and so his friend can play whenever he wants. His friend is so lucky.

But all the little boy can do is smile and say "Well, at least I know who I am in my heart. There's those who never do."

For that, I am grateful. For you, I am grateful.

Please don't stop wanting to talk about it with me.

I know it's impossible for me to have what I want. I've dealt with that reality for decades.

But, it's all I've got.

And I'm lucky the person I've got is also one of my best friends in the whole world.